(Open:  Bedford Creek Vineyard, Aging Cellar- Several people stand around a wine cask sampling wine.)

SEAN MORTENSON: Now this cab is young, so limited finish, of course, but still has a nice depth.

DR. LES GRANGER: I can taste cherries, a bit of ginger…

KIM MORTENSON: Plums and cassis.

RACHEL GRANGER: And a hint of dark chocolate.  Lovely.

BRUCE HANOVER: In another five years, it’s going to be an exceptional wine.

SEAN MORTENSON:  Yes, Bruce is a magician with my grapes.  Of course, he convinced me to sink a mint into the vineyard over the last two years alone.  But, money well spent.

DR. LES GRANGER:  You’re going to make Virginia the next California, Sean.

SEAN MORTENSON:  Doc, wait until you taste the ’97.  Gotta be the best year we’ve ever had at Bedford Creek.  Wouldn’t you say, Bruce?

BRUCE HANOVER:  Perfect balance of sun and rain, limestone and gravel.  It was a year one dreams about.  Now, some sediment is normal, especially in such a big wine.

(Bruce pours several glasses of wine and passes them out.  They toast and begin to drink.  They make faces and gagging sounds and  spit it out.)

SEAN MORTENSON:  What the hell is going on, Bruce?

BRUCE HANOVER:  I don’t know, sir.

RACHEL GRANGER:  Something’s in my glass.

(Her husband reaches into her glass and pulls out a purple object.)

DR. LESS GRANGER:  My God, that’s a human finger!

(Rachel screams and drops her glass which shatters on the ground.  The other guests make similar gestures .)

(Cut to: Dr. Lance Sweets’ office at the FBI building.  He’s having a session with Booth and Brennan.)

SWEETS:  (He opens the blinds on his office window and walks back to sit down in his chair.)  It’s quite simple.  Whatever Agent Booth says, you respond with whatever word or phrase pops into your head.  And vice versa.

BRENNAN:  Well that’s ridiculous.  I can’t properly respond without careful thought.

BOOTH:  Can’t we just make it a drinking game?

SWEETS:  No.  This is a valuable, psychological tool, Agent Booth.  When you respond viscerally we can get to the root of your emotional issues and figure out what binds you two together as partners.

BOOTH:  Donuts.

SWEETS:  Beg your pardon?

BOOTH:  Donuts.  Glazed donuts.  I see ‘em right there.

BRENNAN:  Because you had no breakfast.  You’re hungry.

BOOTH:            I’m starving.

BRENNAN:  Yeah.

SWEETS:  No, that’s not the proper response.

BRENNAN:  Of course it is, I’m explaining why he said “donuts”.

SWEETS:  The point of the exercise is not to explain, but to respond.  Okay?  Children can do this.

BRENNAN:  Because it’s childish.

SWEETS:  Can we just try it, please?

BOOTH:  All right, okay, fine, here we go.  Are you ready?  Hunger.

BRENNAN:  Sex.

BOOTH:  Whoa.

BRENNAN:  Horse.

BOOTH:  Cowboy.

BRENNAN: Child.

BOOTH: Baby.

BRENNAN:  Booth.

BOOTH:  What, what do you think I’m a baby?

BRENNAN:  You’re a father.

BOOTH:  Oh.  Mother.

BRENNAN:  Birth.

BOOTH:  Happy.

BRENNAN:  Sperm.

BOOTH:  Sperm?  Isn’t this getting a little weird?

SWEETS:  No, keep going.

BOOTH:  Okay.  Egg.

BRENNAN:  I want a baby.

BOOTH:  Whoa.

BRENNAN:  Horse.

BOOTH:  Wait.  Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

SWEETS:  Yeah, we can stop here.

BRENNAN:  I actually found that quite interesting.

BOOTH:  You want to have a baby?

BRENNAN:  Yes, I do.  I just—I just realized it.  I should have a progeny.  It’s selfish of me not to.

BOOTH:  Selfish?

BRENNAN:  Yes.

BOOTH:  Don’t you need a, you know, guy to…

BRENNAN:  Just sperm.  You’d be a very good donor, potentially.

BOOTH:  Me?

BRENNAN:  But you need to be tested, of course. (Booth’s cell phone starts ringing.)   What, is something wrong?

BOOTH:  Yeah.  Okay.  You don’t just go around asking for people’s sperm.  (He answers the phone and talks into it.)  Yeah?  No, I wasn’t talking to you.  Uh, right.  Yeah, okay.  On our way.  (To Brennan.)  We got a case.

BRENNAN:  Okay.

(She and Booth get up and head for the door.)

SWEETS:  Uh, wait.  Perhaps we should discuss this.

BRENNAN:  I’m not conflicted if that’s what you’re concerned about.  I’ve made a reasonable choice.

BOOTH:  In two seconds over some stupid game.

SWEETS:  This is a well researched, therapeutic technique, Agent Booth.

BOOTH:  Oh, really?  This happens all the time—patients asking for sperm?

SWEETS:  Yeah—no, well not this specifically.  Which is why I think some discussion is in order.

BRENNAN:  Shouldn’t we go?  Don’t we have a case?

BOOTH:  Yeah.  You’re right.  We gotta get going.  Right.  (Points at Sweets.)  This is all your fault.

SWEETS:  Okay, I know this was surprising, but… (Booth slams the door in his face.)

(Cut to: Bedford Creek Winery; Aging Room.  Booth and Brennan are walking toward the cask with the human remains in it.)

BRENNAN:  You’re the one who’s always touting parenthood, implying that my life is incomplete because I don’t have a child.

BOOTH:  I know, but this is kind of sudden.

BRENNAN:  Hmm, perhaps you don’t want to help me.

BOOTH:  Of course I do.

BRENNAN:  So you’ll do it?

BOOTH:  I’ll think about it.

BRENNAN:  What?  I don’t understand.  It’s a simple request.  I’m sure you engage in masturba…

BOOTH:  Whoa.

BRENNAN:   Horse.

BOOTH:  Enough.  Okay, we’ll talk about it later.

BRENNAN:  Well, I’m not asking for you to be involved.  All I want is your sperm.

BOOTH:  (Bursts out laughing, obviously a fake laugh.)  That’s a good one.  “All I want is your sperm.” (He puts his arm around Brennan and aims his laughter at the forensic tech.)  I’ve never heard that joke before.

BRENNAN:  I don’t understand.

BOOTH:  Yeah, okay.  All right.  (To the FBI forensic tech Marcus Geier)  Just close your mouth and point us to the body, okay?

MARCUS:  The barrel’s over here.

(They approach the barrel which is having the lid removed to reveal a very goopy, very purple mass with a few discernable human bones floating in it.)

BOOTH:  Whoa.

SEAN MORTENSON:  Dr. Granger said it was a human bone, but… that’s impossible.  This may be an animal, a rat.  That could happen, right?

BOOTH:  And you are?

MORTENSON:  Uh, Sean Mortenson.  This is my winery.  And this is Bruce Hanover, my viticulturalist.

BRENNAN:  The remains are human.

HANOVER:  The cask has been sealed since 1997.  I did it myself.

BRENNAN:  The seal must have been broken when the body was thrown in here.  Exposure to air turned the wine to vinegar.

BOOTH:  Looks like a purple smurf.

BRENNAN:  Pelvic bone indicates a male. (She bends the bone back and forth, like rubber.)

BOOTH:  More like a rubber purple smurf.

BRENNAN:  Bones in vinegar leech calcium and will become gelatinous within three days.

BOOTH:  That is actually cool.

BRENNAN:  This cask is filled with debris, decomposed tissue and organs.  It all has to come back to the lab.

(Brennan pulls the skull out and Hanover gags.  She and Booth look at each other.)

MORTENSON:  Oh, God.

 

ACT ONE

(Open: Medico-Legal Lab platform.  Camile Saroyan, Jack Hodgins, Brennan and Intern Colin Fisher are examining the gelatinous remains.)

CAM:  Liquefactions suggests he’s been there at least eight months.

BRENNAN:  Scapula, clavicle.

CAM:  Fat globule.

FISHER:  We’re all just one step away from dissolving into the primordial ooze.  Manubrium and ilium.

CAM:  Rendered brain matter.

HODGINS:  You got a sock, a belt.

BRENNAN:  Molar, lateral incisor and… canine.

CAM:  And this is just goo.

HODGINS:  Okay, I got a grommet, three nickels, and I am guessing a chocolate kiss.

CAM:  Bingo!  A chunk of liver, enough for a tox screen.

FISHER:  My guess—you’ll find a high alcohol content.

BRENNAN:  Tibia.  I’ve decided to have a baby.   (Everyone turns to stare at her in shock.)  Capitulum.

CAM:  Wait.  Baby, like a small human?

BRENNAN:  Yes.  I know I’ve had no interest in the past.  But neither did you and you seem to find parenthood very fulfilling.

CAM:  Uh, yes.  I do.  And you brought this up now… why?

BRENNAN:  Well, I wanted to give you notice.  I’ll be needing some time off when the baby comes.  About six weeks I imagine.  The staining makes it very difficult to see any anomalies on the bones.

HODGINS:  Is there a father?

BRENNAN:  Well, I’d like to use Booth’s sperm.

CAM:  Booth.  Whadda ya know?

FISHER:  If Booth doesn’t work out, I donate my sperm monthly.  I have a high IQ, excellent genetics, and motility.  No emotional baggage.  I’m kind of a catch.

HODGINS:  Okay.  Down boy.

CAM:  Weren’t we investigating a death?

(Angela approaches the exam table.)

ANGELA:  Oh, my God.

HODGINS:  Dr. Brennan wants to have a baby.

FISHER:  I offered my sperm, but she’s leaning more toward Agent Booth.

ANGELA:  You’re joking, right?

BRENNAN:  Booth and I discussed it in Sweets’ office.  He’s thinking it over now.  Although, I don’t understand why he’d be protective of his semen. 

(Angela, Cam and Hodgins look at each other in disbelief.)

BRENNAN:  There are six evenly-spaced cavities along the sides of the frontal and parietal bones.  (To Hodgins.)  Hand me that grommet you found.

HODGINS:  Uh.

FISHER: (Whispers.)  Grommet.

HODGINS:  The grommet.  Yes.  Right.  Mm-hmm.  There you go.  (He hands the pitri dish to Cam who hands it to Brennan.)

BRENNAN:  Thank you.

FISHER:  I could get you my little swimmers at a substantial savings.

ANGELA:  Uh, Fisher, just scoop please.

FISHER:  Sure.

BRENNAN:  (Sets the grommet in a divet in the skull.)  He had a craniofacial implant. 

CAM:  The way they’re spaced, they’re positioned to secure a prosthetic hairpiece.  Those are not very common.

FISHER:  I’ll strain for the rug.

BRENNAN:  If there’s a missing persons report on the victim, it would definitely mention a surgical hairpiece.  You can also replace the teeth in the mandible and confirm with dentals.

ANGELA:  Bren…

(Brennan exits.  Angela turns to the others.)

ANGELA:  We heard right, didn’t we?

HODGINS:  A baby.  Yeah.

CAM:  With Booth.

(Cut to: Brennan’s office.  Angela enters.)

ANGELA:  Brennan?

BRENNAN:  There’s a fracture on the zygomatic.  Probably from a blow to the face.

ANGELA:  The guy is pickled, Sweetie.  He can wait.  You can’t just announce you’re having a baby and walk away.

BRENNAN:  15,000 babies are born every hour.  It’s not all that exceptional, Angela.

ANGELA:  Brennan… this is crazy.

BRENNAN:  Why?  I’m intellectually gifted, financially secure.  Statistically I could expect to have an exceptional child.

ANGELA:  Fine.  Yes.  Absolutely.  But you do know how this is supposed to work, right?  You get naked together.  You devour each other in a passionate frenzy.

BRENNAN:  Booth would think that would create an emotional bond between us.

ANGELA:  Of course that’s ridiculous.

BRENNAN:  I knew you’d understand.

ANGELA:  Then why use Booth at all?  Why don’t you use Fisher and his discount sperm?

BRENNAN:  No, Booth has a larger mandible and a more prominent zygomatic than Fisher, as well as a more pronounced ratio between the width of his clavicles and his ilia.

ANGELA:  So, it’s because Booth is hot.  Now we’re getting somewhere.

BRENNAN:  Statistically, attractive people are more successful.  I’m only thinking of the child, Angela.

ANGELA:  Then do this right, sweetie.

BRENNAN:  I am.  Emotional ties are ephemeral and undependable.  Look at you and Hodgins.  You and Roxy.  Booth and Rebecca.  Booth and Cam.

ANGELA:  Brennan, I…

BRENNAN:  I appreciate your concern, but I have thought this through rationally.  This fracture hasn’t fully remodeled.  It occurred within a month of death.  Possibly from an attack.

(Cut to:  FBI Building; Booth’s Office.  Cam and Booth are talking and walking into the office.)

CAM:  The victim is Spencer Holt.  Missing almost a year.  He was a wine critic.  Apparently he could destroy a vineyard with one review.

BOOTH:  Everyone likes a dead critic.  I mean there’s—we’re going to have a lot of suspects.   So, why are you here and why didn’t you just send an e-mail?

CAM:  You and Brennan, you’re going to have a baby?

BOOTH:  She told you.

CAM:  She told everyone.  It’s probably on the news by now.

BOOTH:  I’m just donating.

CAM:  So you decided?

BOOTH:  No, no.  I am deciding.  I-N-G, ing.

CAM:  I know you, Seeley.  You’re going to do it.  You want to do it without really doing it.  But it’s still doing it even if you’re not doing it the way it should be done.

BOOTH:  She wants a kid, okay?  It’ll make her more personable with people.

CAM:  And what will it do for you?

BOOTH:  She’ll get what she wanted.

CAM:  A piece of you?

BOOTH:  Oh, look at this.  Okay, Holt’s wife filed for a missing persons report.  Now, I have to go tell her the bad news.

CAM:  Sure.

BOOTH:  You done?

CAM:  Yes.

BOOTH:  Thank you.

(Cut to: Booth and Brennan driving in the SUV.)

BOOTH:  So apparently, Holt’s wife was pregnant when he disappeared.

BRENNAN:  So she’s raising the child alone?

BOOTH:  I guess so.

BRENNAN:  You know, and no one thinks twice about that.  There are millions of single women raising healthy, productive children.   (Looks down at the file in her lap.)  There was a domestic disturbance report filed a month before he disappeared.

BOOTH:   Uh, you know, if we go, uh, through with this, and I’m around, and if you need help…

BRENNAN:  Well, I’ll have a nanny.

BOOTH:  I—I figured.  But, you know, if it’s her day off.

BRENNAN:  You don’t have faith that I can do it?

BOOTH:  What?

BRENNAN:  You think I’d be a good mother, don’t you?

BOOTH:  Yeah, of course.

BRENNAN:  I know sometimes you don’t think I’m empathetic.  And it can be difficult for me sometimes.  But I would love my child, Booth, I would.

BOOTH:  I know.  I—I know that, Bones.

BRENNAN:  I know people disapprove.  If you’re uncomfortable, Fisher sells his sperm monthly, he’s very intelligent and…

BOOTH:  Oh, Fisher?  Fi—Oh, no, you are not having Fisher’s kids.  You’d be giving birth to the spawn of Satan, okay?  I’ll do it.

BRENNAN:  No obligation.  I don’t want you to feel any obligation.

BOOTH:  I’ll do it.  Don’t worry about it, okay?  It’s your kid, it’s totally yours.

BRENNAN:  Not worried about it.

BOOTH:  I’m just saying I’ll do it.

 

ACT TWO

(Open: Jenny Holt’s house.  Jenny is working on a playset and her daughter is sitting in a baby seat.  Booth and Brennan are questioning her.)

JENNY:  You hold out hope, but in my heart, I’ve known for months.  What happened?

BOOTH:  Well, we don’t’ know yet; we’re still investigating.

BRENNAN: He was found at Bedford Creek winery.

JENNY:  At Bedford Creek?

BOOTH:  You been there?

JENNY:  I’m the wife of a wine critic.  I’ve had to sit through tastings at half the places in the country.  I don’t even like wine.   (The baby starts to fuss.)  Oh, God.  I’m all covered.

BRENNAN:  I’ll get her.

BOOTH:  Bones.

JENNY:  Spencer always wanted me to give up my carpentry business.  Said I smelled of stain.  Ruined the bouquet when he was tasting the wine.

BOOTH:  Bones, you need help?

BRENNAN:  No, no, I’m fine.

BOOTH:  You gotta help with the…

BRENNAN:  (Swings the baby back and forth in her arms.)  You like spatial disorientation, don’t you?  Yes, you do.

JENNY:  She likes you.  All Spencer could ever talk about was having a little girl.  He would’ve made a good father.

(Jenny wipes her hands and takes her daughter from Brennan.)

BRENNAN:  Your husband also exhibited a facial fracture that hadn’t fully remodeled.

JENNY:  Yes.  He tried to break up a fight at the wine expo.  Mortenson was going after Charles Dunwood.

BOOTH:  Mortenson from Bedford Creek?

JENNY:  He’s a real bastard.

BOOTH:  He and your husband didn’t get along?

JENNY:  No, Mortenson loved him.  Spencer gave his cabernet a 99.  No one gets that.  It was Charlie Dunwood Mortenson hated.  Because Charlie made a cheap wine next door and he wouldn’t sell out to Mortenson.

BRENNAN:  And you saw this fight?

JENNY:  No.  They all deny it, of course.  But Spencer told me about it.

BOOTH:  There was a domestic disturbance report filed approximately one month before your husband disappeared.  Can you explain that?

JENNY:  Our neighbor heard us arguing.  That’s all.  She called the police.

BRENNAN:  The report says it was more than an argument, Mrs. Holt.

JENNY:  I threw some dishes.  But not at Spencer.  It was just the pregnancy hormones, you know?  I would ever hurt Spencer.

(Cut to:  Booth and Brennan driving in the SUV)

BRENNAN:  You don’t believe the victim’s wife?

BOOTH:  I just think that we should check with this guy Dunwood.  He might have a different story.

BRENNAN:  What about the owner of Bedford Creek Winery?

BOOTH:  Mortenson is rich.  If he’s involved, you don’t want to spook him or he’s just gonna hire an army full of lawyers to come make our lives miserable.

BRENNAN:  Would you like legal protection?

BOOTH:  What?

BRENNAN:  With the child, so you feel secure that I won’t be asking for money or support.

BOOTH:            No, I—I don’t need legal protection.

BRENNAN:  But if you do…

BOOTH:  I don’t.

BRENNAN:  Okay.  I’ve made an appointment for you at the fertility clinic.  They will check your semen for motility, morphology, sperm count.

BOOTH:  My boys can swim, alright?  I have a child, do you remember?

BRENNAN:  This isn’t personal.  I—I’d be remiss if I didn’t look at an analysis of your semen.  It’s a very simple process.  You just go to the clinic, give a sample.  It takes five minutes.  They have pornography, if you need stimulus.

BOOTH:  I get it.

BRENNAN:  Okay.

BOOTH:  You really liked holding that kid, didn’t you?

BRENNAN:  Yeah.  I’ve been thinking about how exciting it will be to expose my own child to early pattern recognition.

BOOTH:  You know, they like singing and, uh, when you make funny faces at them, too.

BRENNAN:  Yeah, of course.   I will make a diverse schedule.

(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab.  Hodgins and Fisher are straining the goop for evidence.)

HODGINS:  You know when it doesn’t contain human remains, Bedford Creek makes an excellent cab.  It’s very full-bodied.  It’s like an Australian Shiraz.

FISHER:  I only drink diet soda.  I’m hoping the preservatives can add some stability to my life.

HODGINS:  (Pulls something out of the goop.)  Here’s a little pocket knife.  And some glass fragments embedded in the fabric from his shirt.

FISHER:  There’s some scraping on the anterior of this rib.  I got a gouge on the third rib and one here on the sternum.

HODGINS:  You think he was stabbed?

FISHER:  I can’t tell from the incised edges, because the bones are soft and completely stained from soaking in the wine.

HODGINS:  Man, I can barely get wine stains out of my shirt, let alone a skeleton.

FISHER:  But your shirt isn’t composed of calcium.  Oh, my God.  I can clean them.  This is weird.  Something good is happening.

HODGINS:  Take a deep breath; I’m sure it’ll pass.

FISHER:  The approximate weight of the bones is 12.43 kilograms.  I’m gonna need 781 boxes of denture cleaner.

(Cut to: FBI Building; Booth’s Office.  Brennan is sitting next to Charlie Dunwood.  Booth is sitting at his desk.)

DUNWOOD:  Ah, shame about Holt.  He was a good guy.  One of the only critics who didn’t dump on my wine.

BRENNAN:  But your wine sells for three dollars a bottle.

DUNWOOD:  That’s right, yeah.  In a bottle or a box.   It’s a good honest drink.

BOOTH:  It’s good.

BRENNAN:  I didn’t know you knew anything about wine.

Booth:  It’s good stuff.  It’s like the beer of wine.

DUNWOOD:  Holt got that.  He knew I wasn’t trying to be more.

BOOTH:  Holt’s wife said that, um, he had to break up a fight between you and Mortenson from Bedford Creek Winery.

DUNWOOD:  Yeah.  Yeah, it was at the wine expo, in the parking lot.  I told Holt to stay out of it.  I shoved Mortenson, all right?  The guy was in my face.  Holt got in the middle, right when Mortenson was taking a swing, so he took the hit.  Mortenson walked out.  Just left him.

BOOTH:  What was the fight about?

DUNWOOD:  My vineyard is next door to his, and uh, he thinks I’m an embarrassment.  He wants to buy me out.  He threatened some bogus lawsuits.  My family’s been working those fields since 1928.  This is my life.

BRENNAN:  So you had no issue with Mr. Holt?

DUNWOOD:  Hell, no.  You know, if he were alive, I’d pat him on the back.

BOOTH:  For what?

DUNWOOD:  For taking that bastard Mortenson down a peg.

BOOTH:  Yeah, but he loves Bedford Creek wine.

DUNWOOD:  Yeah.  But I heard he loves sleeping with Mortenson’s wife even more.

(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab.  Cam, Hodgins and Fisher are standing around a large tank with the bones submerged in water.  Fisher dumps buckets of denture cleaner into the water and it fizzes.)

CAM:  Is that what I think it is?

HODGINS:  Were you thinking sodium perborate and potassium monpersulfate?

CAM:  Actually, I was thinking Nana Shirley’s teeth.

FISHER:  More like 781 sets of Nana Shirley’s teeth.

HODGINS:  Fisher says this will remove the staining from the bones.

FISHER:  Could.  I said could.  There is no certainty but death and the incomprehensible conundrum that is life.

CAM:  Fisher, have you ever just taken a moment to forget yourself?  Watch, like, the Three Stooges and just laugh?

FISHER:  Yeah, I never found humor in grown men giving each other concussions with construction equipment.

CAM:  (Turns to Hodgins.)  I tried.  Tox screen on the remnants of the liver was inconclusive.

HODGINS:  Yeah, the vinegar will obscure just about everything.

CAM:  But I did find some inorganic agents mixed in with the liquefied tissue.  Might help us find cause of death.

FISHER:  I think I found stab wounds on the ribs and sternum.  We’ll know more if we can clean the stains.

 

ACT THREE

(Open: Medical Dental Office.  Booth has gone to give his semen sample at the clinic.  A nurse is instructing him on the correct procedure.)

NURSE:  It’s quite simple.  You just ejaculate into the cup.  (She and Booth step into a small room.)  Here we go, Mr. Booth.  You look a little flushed, are you okay?

BOOTH:  Sure.  Yeah, I’m fine.

NURSE:  Sometimes men can feel awkward.  Knowing people out there know what you’re doing in here.

BOOTH:  Thanks for that.

NURSE:  You know what to do?

BOOTH:  You’re kidding, right?

NURSE:  Okay.  There are magazines and videos, if you need them.  Enjoy.

(Nurse closes the door to the room and Booth looks around, then turns to lock the door when the television suddenly comes on.  Stewie from the Family Guy is talking to Booth.)

STEWIE:  Why are you here at the bank, Booth? 

BOOTH:  (Surprised, he whirls around.)  Ahhh.

STEWIE:  You’ve got a hot doctor friend.  Go to her and make a direct deposit like a man.

BOOTH:  (He goes to the television punches the power button off, the screen goes black.  He turns away from the television.)  That’s impossible.

STEWIE:  (The television magically comes back on.)  And yet we converse.

BOOTH:  (Again, surprised.)  Oohh.

STEWIE:   Ooo, look.  A pile of porn.  Delicious.  Give me a peek, Booth.  Mmm?  Just a little peek at a booby?  Please? 

(Booth unplugs the television and the screen goes black again.) 

STEWIE:  What’s the problem?  You’re threatened by a cute, harmless baby?  Grow a set!  You do want her to have your baby, don’t you?

BOOTH:  Of course I do, it’s just, I want her to have a baby because it’s what she wants.

STEWIE:  And you could just walk away like a heartless cad while she changes poo all by her lonesome?

BOOTH:  (Raising his voice.)  It’s what she wants!

NURSE:  (Knocks and speaks from the other side of the door.)  Are you okay in there, Mr. Booth?

BOOTH:  Uh, I’m fine. (Grabs some DVDs and holds them up, turning around.)  Just, uh, fine, thank you.  (Back to Stewie.)  Listen, could you just go away now, okay?  I don’t need your help.

STEWIE:  You know, you’re not a bad looking fellow, and if you’d just keep an open mind…

BOOTH:  Go back to cartoon land, wherever you came from.  Leave!

STEWIE:  You sure?  I’m good at pretend games.

BOOTH:  (Uses the remote control to turn the television off and the screen goes black once more.  Booth stares at it for a moment before shaking his head.)  That wasn’t possible.

(Cut to:  FBI Building, Booth’s office.  Booth is sitting in his chair, tapping himself in the forehead when Sweets walks in.)

SWEETS:  Agent Booth.

BOOTH:  (Gets up and walks toward his desk.)  Sweets, hey!

SWEETS:  How you doing?

BOOTH:  I’m fine, great.  Turns out that, uh, the victim might have been sleeping with Mortenson’s wife, huh?  Jealousy, always a good motive.

SWEETS:  Yeah, that’s good.   But right now, I’m more interested in whether you decided to inseminate Dr. Brennan.

BOOTH:  God, you know.  Don’t say it like that.

SWEETS:  I’m sorry.  I’m interested in whether you decided to provide your semen for her fertilization.

BOOTH:  Saying it like that is worse.  (Starts pacing restlessly.)

SWEETS:  Okay, well, I could go with “baby daddy” but that just seems even more…

BOOTH:  I’m gonna do it.  Hey, I’ve already made the deposit.  That’s right.  Apparently, I am a god.  That’s right.  Motile sperm count: 28.8 million.  I could start my own country.  (Spins and points to his globe.)

SWEETS:  Okay, then.  Well, I’m sure you’ll be going through a lot of emotional changes because of this, so if you need to talk…

BOOTH:  Thank you, but um, it’s her baby, so it’s gonna be her life that’s turned upside-down, not mine.

SWEETS:  So you’re not at all stressed by this?

BOOTH:  Sweets, I’m an FBI agent, okay?  And a former sniper.  This is not a life or death situation, you understand?

SWEETS:  Yeah, sure.  Well, if you need anything, I’m available.

BOOTH:  I don’t need anything, okay?  I am just doing what, you know, anyone else would in this situation, right?  (Picks up a football and tosses it to Sweets, then sits down on his cabinet and sighs.)

SWEETS:  Like, what?

BOOTH:  Just…  I got a little, you know, anxious at the clinic.

SWEETS:  Anxious?

BOOTH:  Anxious.  Don’t get all shrinky on me.

SWEETS:  No, no.  Uh, what kind of symptoms?  Shortness of breath, lightheaded?

BOOTH:  It’s normal, right?

SWEETS:  Absolutely.  Sometimes donors can feel an emotional attachment, even if they don’t know the recipient.  But in this case, since you and Dr. Brennan are…

BOOTH:  It’s normal to imagine things?

SWEETS:  Well, not pink elephants, but…

BOOTH:  No, no, no, of course not.  Like, um, baby things.

SWEETS:  It’d be odd if you didn’t.

BOOTH:  Ha!  It’d be odd if I didn’t.  You’re my guy.  That’s all I needed to hear.  Thanks, Sweets.  Thanks, uh, I gotta go, you know, take care of somebody.  (He leaves Sweets standing in his office.)

SWEETS:  No problem.  Anytime.

(Cut to:  Medico-Legal Lab; Exam Room.  Brennan and Fisher are looking at the clean white bones.)

BRENNAN:  There are tiny fractures near the coronal sutures.  We never would have noticed these before.  The denture cleaner was an excellent idea, Mr. Fisher.

FISHER:  Now if I only possessed rudimentary social skills.

BRENNAN:  They aren’t really necessary for your work.

FISHER:  I wish my parents were that understanding.  You’re gonna be a good mother.

BRENNAN:  I would imagine so.  (Turns the rubbery skull over in her hands.)  Evidence of hemorrhaging on the underside of the fractures.  There was a perimortem blow to the head.  (Her phone rings and she hands the skull to Fisher and pulls her gloves off, grabbing her phone from her pocket and answering it.)  Brennan.   (She listens for a few seconds.)  Okay.  Uh, Booth is waiting for me.  Check the degree of hemorrhagic staining to see if it was cause of death.

FISHER:  If Booth is still reluctant…

BRENNAN:  No, he offered—28.8 million viable sperm in a mere three milliliters of ejactulate.  (She leaves.)

FISHER:  As the feeling of inadequacy makes me shrivel.

(Cut to:  Bedford Creek Winery; Mortenson Home.  Kim Mortenson, holding her infant son, leads Booth and Brennan into a parlor.)

KIM:  Spencer Holt was a big supporter of Bedford Creek wines.  He was here for numerous tastings.

BRENNAN:  Your little boy is adorable.

KIM:  Oh, thank you.

BRENNAN:  (Holds her hands out to the baby.)  Phalanges, dancing phalanges.

BOOTH:  Bones.

BRENNAN:  Right, sorry.  So, you were sleeping with Spencer Holt, weren’t you?

BOOTH:  Subtle.

KIM:  Sleeping with him?  Of course not.  Who told you that?

BOOTH:  Seems like your husband had, uh, quite the temper, huh?

KIM:  Charlie Dunwood, right?

BRENNAN:  (Looking at the baby.)  That is not your husband’s child.

KIM:  What?  I think you should leave.

BRENNAN:  The bone markers bear a clear resemblance to Spencer Holt.

BOOTH:  They do?

BRENNAN:  Research shows that babies strongly resemble their fathers in the first year of life.  The evolutionary theory being that they’re less likely to be abandoned if the fathers recognize themselves in their offspring.

KIM:  What is she talking about?

BOOTH:  Oh, does that mean that your kid will look like me, at least for the first year?

BRENNAN:  There’s a high statistical probability, yes.  (Takes out her camera and takes a picture of the baby.)

KIM:  Excuse me.

BRENNAN:  I can compare these photos against Spencer Holt’s remains.  The maxilla and nasal aperture…

KIM:  Stop.  My husband could come in any moment.

BOOTH:  So it’s true?

KIM:  Sean and I tried.  It’s all about business with him, but I really wanted a child.  Spencer understood, and one night after a little too much wine…  I appreciate everything Sean does for me, but Spencer was, you know…

BOOTH:  Kind?

KIM:  I wish he had the chance to see his child.

BRENNAN:  So does his wife.

BOOTH:  Maybe your husband found out you were having an affair, and uh, he decided to get rid of Mr. Holt.  Seems like the kind of guy who likes to get what he wants.

KIM:  Sean has a temper, but he would never hurt anyone.

SEAN MORTENSON:  (Enters, looking angry to find Booth and Brennan talking to his wife.)  What the hell are you doing, Kim?

BOOTH:  We were just asking a few questions about Spencer Holt.

SEAN:  Uh huh.  (To Kim.)  You keep your mouth shut.  (To Booth.)  Now look, I told you everything when you found him, and we’re not saying anything else without our attorneys present.  Is that clear?

(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab; Cam’s Office.  Cam and Angela are talking as Cam sits down at her desk.)

ANGELA:  I tried to talk to Brennan about that whole baby thing.  She won’t listen to me.

CAM:  Neither will Booth.  Guess all we can do is board up the windows and hope the levees hold.

ANGELA:  It’s none of our business.

CAM:  Exactly right.

ANGELA:  Oh, that kid is gonna be so cute, though.

CAM:  Please, we’re gonna go nuts.

ANGELA:  I bought it a little onesy today.

HODGINS:  (Enters.)  I got the results back on the inorganic goo.  (Puts the file on Cam’s desk and picks up a remote for the computer.)  Contains calcium arsenates.

CAM:  Aresenic.

HODGINS:  Yeah, it was on his clothes and mixed in with the tissue.

ANGELA:  So, he was poisoned?

CAM:  This isn’t a high enough concentration to kill him.

HODGINS:  Booth said Holt’s wife worked with wood building playsets?  Aresenic is used in stains and wood preservatives.  It’s tough to wash off.

CAM:  So Jenny Holt found out her husband was cheating on her, stabbed him, and left us a chemical fingerprint.

(Cut to:  FBI Building; Interrogation Room.  Jenny Holt is sitting across the table from Booth.)

JENNY:  Spencer traveled a lot, visiting vineyards across the country and Europe, South America.  That’s why I waited to file the missing person’s report.

BOOTH:  He was missing for ten days.  You didn’t even talk to him during that time?

JENNY:  We’d been having some trouble in our marriage, but we loved each other.

BOOTH:  You know he was having an affair with, uh, Kim Mortenson?

JENNY:  Yes, I knew about Kim, but we would have gotten past it.  When the baby was born, we would have gotten closer, like we had been.

BOOTH:  Did you know he was the father of Kim’s baby, too?

JENNY:  What?

BOOTH:  Yeah.

JENNY:  No, that’s impossible.

BOOTH:  Knowing that he was having an affair is one thing, but knowing he fathered another child while you were pregnant—that would put anyone over the edge.

JENNY:  I didn’t kill Spencer, I loved him.

BOOTH:  In your work, um, do you use stains or wood preservatives that contain arsenic?

JENNY:  There are traces, yes.

BOOTH:  Arsenic was found on his clothes, in his wounds in an amount that could easily have been transferred from the assailant during an attack.

JENNY:  Why would I leave my little girl without a father?  Why would I do that to her?

BOOTH:  Where were you for the ten days he went missing?

JENNY:  That was months ago.  I couldn’t tell you.  No one could.

(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab; Exam Room.  Hodgins, Angela, Brennan and Fisher are still going over the bones.  Hodgins is pointing to something on the screen.)

HODGINS:  All of the injuries to the ribs and sternum had silica embedded in them which matched all of the glass shards found in the wine cask and on Holt’s clothes.

BRENNAN:  Yes, these injuries to the ribs and sternum—(turns to Angela) can you connect the impact points?

ANGELA:  Why, you think Holt’s wife was making a design when she was attacking him?

BRENNAN:  There are three main impact points.  What if they were a circular pattern?

ANGELA:  Okay, well, a circumference… (a 3D model on the screen shows the circular pattern on the bones) the circle is nine and a half inches.

BRENNAN:  What is the circumference of a wine bottle?

HODGINS:  My guess, nine and a half inches.

ANGELA:  Yeah, let’s see.  Yep, nine and a half inches.

BRENNAN:  Okay, get some Bedford Creek wine.  See if the bottle was sufficient to cause these injuries and the hemorrhagic staining at the coronal suture.

(They all leave the exam room, Hodgins and Fisher walk together.)

FISHER:  You know, a watermelon is the same density as the human head.

HODGINS:  Oh, I like the way you think, Fisher.

(Cut to: FBI Building; Sweet’s Office.  Brennan and Booth are talking to Sweets.)

BRENNAN:  I have an appointment with a fertility specialist next week.  I could be inseminated within a month.

BOOTH:  Really?

BRENNAN:  Mmhmm.

SWEETS:  You didn’t tell Agent Booth?

BRENNAN:  I promised him he wouldn’t have to be involved.

BOOTH:  Right, exactly.  You see, ‘cause we have a…an arrangement.

BRENNAN:  Well, I thought that these sessions were meant for you to see how we interact as partners.  How does this relate?

SWEETS:  You’re using Agent Booth to have a child.  You don’t see how that might relate to your partnership?

BRENNAN:  It has nothing to do with our work.

SWEETS:  Okay, um, let me just organize my thoughts here.

BRENNAN:  It’s not like I’m going to be bringing the child along when we interrogate someone.

BOOTH:  Ah, but you might decide to breastfeed.  It is healthier.

BRENNAN:  Oh, that’s true.  So, yes, there might be some crossover.  I can see that now.  I’m sorry, go on.

SWEETS:  I think you need to acknowledge that there are some emotional considerations that you might be denying.

BRENNAN:  Like what?

SWEETS:  There are sperm banks that guarantee high IQs and exceptional physical prowess, yet you specifically chose Agent Booth.  Why?

BRENNAN:  He has traits like courage and compassion and empathy that would be tremendous assets to my child.  Sperm banks don’t catalog those traits.

BOOTH:  Did you just say something nice?

BRENNAN:  No, I gave an objective evaluation.

BOOTH:  Oh, because it sounded like you said something nice.

BRENNAN:  No.

SWEETS:  How can you two not see what is going on here?

BOOTH:  Sweets, what is the big deal?  She was gonna have a baby anyway, I mean, with Fisher.  Fisher, okay?  What would you have done?

SWEETS:  Again, what I would have done is not important, but you, you admitted to feelings of anxiety.

BOOTH:  You know what, Sweets?  You are crossing a line right there.

BRENNAN:  I agree.

SWEETS:  No, I’m not actually.  In my position, I could make an evaluation that states that you two are not suited to work together because of interpersonal issues that are not being dealt with.

BRENNAN:  Ridiculous.

BOOTH:  Dreamer.

SWEETS:  So perhaps until our next session, maybe you should think about some of the things that I brought up today.

(Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab; Exam Room.  Fisher and Hodgins have watermelons lined up on a table.)

HODGINS:  Hmm, it’s confirmed by the modeling.  Yep, the shards of glass found in the cask have the same thatch design as the base of the Bedford Creek bottles.

FISHER:  So, we know the bottle was from Bedford Creek.  Then we don’t have to do the experiment.

HODGINS:  We have all the melons already, you know, and the bottles…

FISHER:  Confirmation would be beneficial.

HODGINS:  We’d be remiss if we didn’t confirm.

FISHER:  Yeah.

(They grin and pull their safety goggles down over their eyes.)

HODGINS:  Sorry, Mr. Holt.

(Hodgins slams the bottle into the melon, which is completely smashed but leaves the bottle intact.)

FISHER:  That bottle was supposed to break.

HODGINS:  Yeah, otherwise, the injuries make no sense.  You’re sure a melon has the same density as a human head?

FISHER:  Would I waste our time?  Give me that.  (He reaches for the bottle and smashes it into another melon with the same result.  He looks pretty happy.)  I enjoyed that too much, didn’t I?

HODGINS:  It’s important to love your work.  Maybe she hit him with the narrow end.  (He grabs it back and turns it around and smashes it into the next melon with the same result.)

FISHER:  She was a carpenter, more strength.  (He grabs it and brings it down into the melon with a primal yell just as Cam walks in wearing a pretty dress and looking nice.  She ends up with smashed melon guts all over her.)

(Fisher and Hodgins both look very apologetic and shocked as Cam begins to pick the melon off herself.)

CAM:  I was going out to dinner.

HODGINS:  Would you like a towel?

CAM:  Very much.

HODGINS:  (Hands Cam a towel.)  The Bedford Creek bottles, they wouldn’t have broken.

FISHER:  But it would have smashed his skull.

CAM:  But you said the design you found on the glass confirmed that it was a Bedford Creek bottle.

HODGINS:  Yeah, but… these bottles wouldn’t have provided the injuries that we found.

CAM:  So… after all this, we have no weapon or cause of death?

(Fisher and Hodgins look blank.)

CAM:  Okay.  (She throws the towel at Hodgins and walks out.)

FISHER:  Whoops.

 

ACT FOUR

(Open: Medico-Legal Lab.  Angela and Brennan are walking.)

ANGELA:  Did you ever think, what if Booth is the perfect father for your child?  Not just his stuff, but him.  What if you’re throwing away the chance to have a family, a real family, because you’re scared?

BRENNAN:  Scared?  Why would I be scared?  I’ve been to Rwanda, to Iraq…

ANGELA:  (She stops and turns to face Brennan.)  Listen, you just said you wanted to do this alone because feelings are ephemeral.  So is life, Brennan.  We’re here one minute, and then we’re gone the next.  You should know that better than anybody.  If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is ever gonna touch you.

BRENNAN:  Sweets said that it’s not his job to tell somebody what they’re feeling or how they should live their life.  (She walks away.)

ANGELA:  Lucky thing I’m not a shrink.

(They both walk to a station where Hodgins, Fisher and Cam are standing around a computer.)

HODGINS:  The bottles were counterfeits.

BRENNAN:  Counterfeit?

HODGINS:  Yep.  Even though the design was the same, the glass found in the cask had a lower concentration of dolomite and magnesium dioxide than the real Bedford Creek bottles.

FISHER:  Someone’s been counterfeiting Bedford Creek Cabernet.

ANGELA:  A bottle of Bedford Creek sells for over a hundred bucks.

CAM:  So if someone fills counterfeit bottles with cheap wine and ships out a couple thousand cases saying it’s from Bedford Creek, they could make some serious money.

HODGINS:  Yeah, exactly.  Now, I also found that the arsenic compound I thought was from the stain contains parathion.  (He speaks to Brennan and she gets a look of understanding.)

CAM:  Okay, we don’t know what that means.

BRENNAN:  It’s an organophosphate used as an insecticide.

HODGINS:  The only vineyard in the area licensed to use it by the EPA is Dunwood Winery.

BRENNAN:  Charles Dunwood.

(Cut to: FBI Building; Interrogation Room.  Charles Dunwood is sitting at the table when Booth and Brennan walk in and sit down.)

BOOTH:  We found cases of this in your warehouse.  (He is holding a bottle and shows it to Dunwood.)  You were counterfeiting Bedford Creek wine.

BRENNAN:  You charged a hundred dollars for a three-dollar wine.

BOOTH:  The stupid wine snobs, they don’t even know the difference.

BRENNAN:  But Holt did.  He found out, didn’t he?  He was going to tell Mortenson.

DUNWOOD:  It was none of Holt’s business.  I told him to stay out of it.  I need the money to fight Mortenson’s bogus lawsuits.  I wasn’t gonna let that bastard take my place.  My family’s been there for over 80 years.

STEWIE:  Is this man a complete dunce?  (Stewie appears in the room next to Dunwood, sitting in his high chair.  He waves at Booth.)

BOOTH:  Oh, God.

BRENNAN:  Booth, what is it?

STEWIE:  Why doesn’t he just clam up and ask for a lawyer?  (To Dunwood.)  You sir, are a boob!

BOOTH:  (To Stewie.)  Some people, they just feel remorse, and they want to set the record straight.

STEWIE:  Oh please!  He makes wine a homeless person wouldn’t cook with.  He never felt remorse about that.

BOOTH:  Nobody asked you.

BRENNAN:  Booth, who are you talking to?

DUNWOOD:  What’s going on?

BOOTH:  Nothing, just, um, go on.

DUNWOOD:  I followed him to Mortenson’s.  He had one of the bottles.  And it was late and…

STEWIE:  And you cornered him in the wine cellar and beat him to death to shut him up.  Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  We know.

BOOTH:  Will you shut up?  Shut up!

BRENNAN:  Booth, who are you talking to?

STEWIE:  So, are you going to let her have this baby alone?

BOOTH:  I didn’t say that.

STEWIE:  You are!  You’re going to abandon your child!  Oh, night’s deepest gloom washes over my tiny frame.

BOOTH:  No, no, I—I can’t walk away.  I never said that, okay?  Do you understand?  I can’t walk away.  This is my kid.  If I can’t be involved, I don’t want her to have the baby!

STEWIE:  And the sun shines again!  Good man, Boothie!

DUNWOOD:  What the hell’s going on here?

BRENNAN:  (To Dunwood.)  You shut up and don’t move.  (To Booth.)  Booth, you’re coming with me.  (She grabs him by the arm and hauls him to his feet and to the door.)

STEWIE:  Hey, hey, wait!  Stop!  You’re leaving a helpless child alone with a killer!  Stop!

(Outside the interrogation room.)

BRENNAN:  Hey, what is going on?

BOOTH:  I can’t do it.  Listen, I have to be involved.  If I’m the father, then… I have to be a father.

BRENNAN:  You were seeing something in there—what were you seeing?

BOOTH:  Stewie—you know, the baby from The Family Guy.

BRENNAN:  You—you saw Stewie… in there?  In the interrogation room?

BOOTH:  So what do you say about the kid?

BRENNAN:  Fine, I won’t have a baby.

BOOTH:  Fine?  That’s it?

BRENNAN:  No, it doesn’t matter now—we’re going to the hospital.

BOOTH:  It’s no big deal, okay?

BRENNAN:  It is.  Booth, you thought you saw Luc Robitaille and then the ghost of a dead friend and now a cartoon baby.  Trust me, something is wrong.  Trust me.

(Cut to: Hospital Waiting Room.  Cam, Hodgins, Sweets, and Angela are all waiting to hear back on Booth’s condition.)

SWEETS:  They should have the CAT scan results by now.

CAM:  They’re getting a second opinion.

SWEETS:  Well then the other doctor should have been standing by.

ANGELA:  Are you alright, Sweets?

SWEETS:  No, no, I’m not.  I’m not the—the level-headed shrink at the moment… I’m just the guy whose friend is in trouble, and I’m having a hard time dealing with it.  Okay?  I’m sorry.  I just need a moment.  (Walks away.)

ANGELA:  Sure.

(Hodgins moves to sit on the couch next to Angela.)

HODGINS:  Man, just when you think you know what’s what.  Man, we can’t take anything for granted, can we?

 ANGELA:  Why is it so easy to forget that?

HODGINS:  Ange, when we split, either one of us could’ve stopped it.  It would’ve been easy.

ANGELA:  I know.

HODGINS:  It would be just as easy… to begin again.

(Brennan approaches the waiting room and everyone stands to hear the news.)

BRENNAN:  They think it’s a crebellar pilocytic astrocytoma.

SWEETS:  Oh, God.  That sounds bad.

BRENNAN:  Brain tumor.  It’s usually benign.

CAM:  Usually.

BRENNAN:  They’re prepping him for surgery now.

HODGINS:  Wow. So fast.

BRENNAN:  They didn’t want to take any chances.

ANGELA:  Go.  He shouldn’t be alone before he goes in there, Brennan.

BRENNAN:  I just wanted all of you to know (She chokes up.)… statistically, he should be fine.  (Everyone nods.  Angela hugs her and she returns the hug, then disengages.)  This isn’t about me.  (She walks away.)

(Cut to: Hospital Surgery Prep Room.  Booth is being worked on by a few nurses and techs, taking his vitals and prepping him for surgery.  He’s looking for Brennan.  She finally appears in the window outside the room and they smile at each other before she enters and stands at the foot of the bed.)

BRENNAN:  The surgery should take about two hours.

BOOTH:  (Nods.)  I was getting used to hallucinating.  It’s gonna get lonely.  (They both laugh softly.)

BRENNAN:  You’re gonna be fine, Booth.  Dr. Jurzik is one of the best.

BOOTH:  Would you come in there with me, to the operating room?

BRENNAN:  No, I’ll see you in Recovery.

BOOTH:  Oh, come on, what are you gonna do, sit in the waiting room and read all those old magazines for hours?

BRENNAN:  I’m not a neurologist, Booth, or a surgeon.

BOOTH:  Yeah, but you’re a genius.  That’s good enough for me.  Plus, you’ll know if they’re screwing up.

BRENNAN:  I’ll ask.

(A doctor enters the room.)

DOCTOR:  (To a tech.)  I’ll let you know when we’re ready for that, uh… thanks.  (He gets to Booth’s bedside and lifts his wrist.)  Hi.  Let me just take a look.

(Booth motions toward the doctor with his head, telling Brennan to ask.)

BRENNAN:  Uh, excuse me.  (She takes the doctor aside.)

(Cut to: Hospital Hallway.  They are wheeling Booth to the operating room.  Brennan is next to him.  She is wearing scrubs and was evidently permitted to be in the room during his surgery.)

BOOTH:  (To the nurses wheeling the bed down the hall.)  Can we just stop for a second?  Can you just give me a minute, please? 

(The nurses back off and leave Booth and Brennan alone.)

BRENNAN:  What’s wrong?

BOOTH:  Listen, Bones, if I don’t make it…

 BRENNAN:  Booth, you’re gonna be fine.

BOOTH:  Yeah, but if I’m not… I want you to have my stuff.  You know, for a kid.

BRENNAN:  Booth.

BOOTH:  I want you to.  You’re gonna be a really good mom.

BRENNAN:  You’re gonna be fine, Booth.  I’ll be right here.

BOOTH:   I’m ready.

(Brennan looks around for the nurses who come back and start wheeling Booth down the hall again.  Brennan holds his hand as they push through a set of double doors and the scene whites out.)

 END,